I have never felt like teen parenting was an area of giftedness for me. I believe that parenting older kids requires a firm connection to our instincts, and I’m still learning to trust mine. It requires a long fuse, and a lot of wisdom – again, not really my natural strong suits.

Plus, I tend towards being critical first, compassionate later.

I came back from my retreat hoping that it would change the way I parented.

So far, I don’t think my younger kids have benefited a whole lot. I may be a tiny bit less flammable and impatient, but I don’t know if it’s enough for them to have noticed. I’m definitely a work in progress.

But with One, my freshly minted 16-year-old, I have noticed a measurable shift. I can take a step back from that desire to criticize, and offer a greeting, some love, or forgiveness first. Sometimes I have to follow that with instruction. But sometimes, it’s just the love.

I don’t know why it only feels different with him. And I don’t know if he has actually noticed. When you’re sixteen, things revolve around you, not your mom.

But even before I experienced this shift, there were still times when I appreciated and even enjoyed having a teenager in the house.

The summer of 2016, we did our cross-country road trip. And while our then 13-year-old was sometimes a reluctant participant, he still made some pretty amazing memories. Like the time the rest of us hiked to the Grand Canyon of Yellowstone and he stayed in the car. A huge bison walked by, right next to our truck as he sat, waiting for us to return. When we got back to the car, he was exhilarated (and maybe a little terrified), and couldn’t wait to tell us what we’d missed. (It was the Grand Canyon of Yellowstone, so we didn’t miss anything. But I’m glad he got to have a memorable experience, too).But before that, back in Colorado, there was a place called the Open Space. We were staying with my mom’s cousin and her husband, and we went to the Open Space nearby several times over the few days we were there, to walk the trails. It wasn’t quite a park, nor was it wild, but something in between. And the first time we prepared to leave for a walk there, my teenager heard there might be snakes.

He disappeared, and came back, handing me a pair of his crew socks. So the snakes wouldn’t bite me. I still smile every time I think of it.

For every time he pretends he can’t hear me, or eats something he knows I was saving for a special treat, or leaves his ramen pot unwashed on the stove, there is that moment of thoughtfulness to fall back on.There are also the batches of fried dough he makes and shares with us. And other touching, unexpected moments that happen when we aren’t looking. The way he keeps his room (relatively) clean without being asked. When he gently greets his baby brother. Or lets his sisters play video games with him.

Sure, teenagers are often infuriating. I was reminded of that again today. But I always tell myself that most teenagers turn out to be pretty normal, balanced adults, if we can just hang on until the weird part is over.

And I hope as the kids keep aging up, that I’ll keep getting better at it, and that One will forgive me for having to practice on him.

I made the shorts I was wearing in the photos above. You can read a little more about the process here. They are one of my favorite sewing projects, and making them in the winter feels like a form of resistance.