One of the things we did at our marriage intensive was learn the Care Cycle. The idea is, you are in charge of you. When you are feeling upset, triggered, or stressed, you should do a little self care before looking to others for help.

I took the diagram they made for us and made a simple printable with a blank spot for adding personalized info to the “care package” section – those are the actions you can take to feel better. I made them for all the people in our family who are potentially aware enough to use it, although we haven’t finished filling everyone’s out yet.

I find that small kids meet their own needs pretty well. Their awareness of their feelings is less developed. So my goal has been to help them recognize what is going on underneath their reactions when I can, so they understand the why.

The older kids often only need a little direction to realize the what and why of what they are feeling, but often need more help figuring out what to do about it.

It’s a little disheartening to realize how fast our culture trains our kids – especially our girls – not to care for themselves physically or emotionally.

It’s surprising to me how little it takes to start feeling better when I take just a few minutes to do something on my list. As the weather has gotten better, it is getting easier and easier to just step outside for a few minutes and let the fresh air and sunshine do its work.This past week when we went to the park, the change in everyone’s faces after just a short time outside was remarkable.When we tell our kids we are going somewhere that isn’t the library or the store, we typically get a lot of push back, especially from the older kids, who then poison the well. But almost universally, dragging kids along to the park or on a walk has this effect on them that is gradual, but undeniable. You have to work to keep a sour face out in nature.It works on me, too. And when I am at the park, I’m doing a number of things on my list – breathing, stretching, walking, listening. It’s an excellent bang for my buck. And stopping for ice cream at Stewarts on the way home isn’t a bad deal, either.Self care – as a process we teach our kids about – feels a little new. I think many conscious parents do something to help their kids identify their emotions and communicate what they’re feeling (“Use your words!”). And sure, we give our kids space to calm down and think when we give them a time out.

But this is different than what we have done before, and it’s something we are all doing, together. It’s something that could become part of our family’s identity – along with “Georges tell the truth,” “Georges help each other,” we may add, “Georges do self care and let others do it, too.”

…That feels a little bulky, so the wording may need some work.

In any case, personal growth becomes more doable when you are not only doing it for yourself, you are teaching others to do and doing it with them. I’m not the only person trying to take good care of myself at our house. Each one of us is learning to do a better job.

My ultimate goal is that beyond this Care Cycle business, which admittedly still feels a little cheesy to me, is that it will lay the groundwork for us to “Love God and love your neighbor as yourself” better.

And maybe, having these tools as kids will help our sons and daughters be better family members, friends, and spouses in the future.