800+
That is the number of photos I have that haven’t been edited from the period leading up to our vacation and the vacation itself.
3 miles.
That’s how far I walked yesterday evening on a snowy bike trail by the Mohawk River, listening to contemplative music and hoping for answers.
2 weeks.
That’s how long we were in Tobago, having a time that was truly transcendent.
1 simple command.
That’s what I heard from God yesterday. The words provided me with my intention for Lent.
Zero.
That’s the number of words I have ready to publish about our trip.
The trip feels like a fantastic dream. The longer I wait to document it, the more it fades from memory. I glance back at the magic, then turn forward to Lent, a period of repentance and waiting.
Life feels like the bare branches of the landscape, occasionally catching the sunlight in a way that shows the ugliness to be beautiful. Summer is a quiet, hopeful memory.
Here’s my Pandora playlist for Lent. My intention is to let women speak wisdom into my life during this wait for Easter. The above photo is one I took on my walk. And appropriately, I realized after I clicked publish that this “numbers edition” is the 200th post on the blog.
Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says. James 1:22
For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— not by works, so that no one can boast. Ephesians 2:8-9
Ah. Christians and the tension we exist in, between these two verses.
We tell a double story about sin in the church. You sin because of Adam and Eve. When you sin, there are consequences for it. Parent your kids harshly? There will be a cost. Demonstrate unfaithfulness, selfishness, or pride? At some point, it will catch up to you in some way, big or small.
At the same time, we proclaim that by grace we have been saved through faith and not by our works so that no man can boast (Ephesians 2:8-9). God wants us to know that we weren’t reconciled by anything we’re capable of achieving on our own.
We have victory over sin, but we’re going to keep sinning and dealing with the consequences of that sin.
So where does that leave us?
At my retreat, we had several evenings of authentic relating exercises. The day after the trip, we were broken into groups of two for one of the exercises. We took turns repeatedly asking the other person, “What is holding you back?”
“Procrastination.”
“What is holding you back?”
“My impossibly high standards for myself.”
“What is holding you back?”
“Fear.”
“What is holding you back?”
“Worry that I’ll disappoint my parents/partner/kids.”
Etc., etc.
The thing about this line of questioning is that if you go deep enough, you start to realize most of the things that are holding you back are in your control.
Like I mentioned in this post, I often work a night shift just before we leave for our yearly Tobago trip. This time around, I scheduled myself off that weekend, so I tried something else instead. Another gong bath. This time, I went by myself.
Why are you telling me about another gong bath? You could rightly ask. After all, I’ve been to two already, and I’ve written about both. I think the reason why I want to write about this one, too, is that they’re all different.
