One of the ways I stay anchored is verbal processing.

I don’t like that I need to talk through things out loud with another human in order to figure out how I feel or what I think.

I’d like to be self sufficient, but there are times that everything just builds up inside in a huge murky morass until I relent and the Chaplain submits to the maelstrom. 

He’s gotten pretty skilled at listening and not trying to fix it. I may have gotten better at getting to the point. I’ve definitely gotten better at being aware that I’m processing out loud while I’m doing it, instead of say, believing that what I’m saying is what I already think or believe (it’s usually just an exploration of ideas).

Part of the process for me is talking about ALL the things that are bothering me and connecting them until they make sense.

I talk until I know where the anxiety is really coming from, until I conclude that the feelings have been processed. Usually, it’s just a gradual draining away of the emotional pressure that has built up.

I’ve talked about getting rid of bad vibes, and verbal processing may be one of my least favorite ways. The Chaplain listens to people for a living. I feel bad that he has to listen to me, too.

I hate having to talk things out. I don’t want to do it. I avoid it at all costs. There must be a better way! I think. I go for long walks. I meditate. I listen to music. I spend time outside. Sometimes those methods process the feelings. Many times using those other tools just delays me having to deal with my feelings.

Too often the answer comes when I’m lying in bed at night, after a full day of avoiding dealing with my feelings while the pressure builds. I’m staring at the ceiling. My mind is whirring with all the ways I’m a terrible mom, a terrible friend, a terrible spouse, a terrible person. How I’m not doing enough.

And I have an existential crisis, while the Chaplain tries to practice active listening while not drifting off to sleep or audibly yawning.

It’s not what you’d call Best Practice.

I haven’t yet found something that works better that Verbal Processing for a certain type of build up of thoughts and ideas. Sometimes the only way to make sense of all that negative self talk is to just let it all out no matter how ugly and embarrassing it is, and just let it float away.

The Chaplain once asked me if I was able to deal with any of my negative emotions during meditation.

I have to be in a pretty bad spot in order to experience a good, cathartic cry during a meditation. I blame my beautiful trip on this. Maybe if it had been a weird, scary experience, it would be easier to go to dark places when I quiet my mind.

Instead, I explore those dark places by narrating them, to the Chaplain. And cringing as I say the things out loud that have been in my head making me miserable.

The verbal processing is the way I work it out. Not the Only Way, but a pretty reliable way, if I could just embrace it.

Tonight might be another Existential Crisis Night. For now, I’m going to listen to my 90’s music playlist, not to delay the inevitable, but to explore if it’s REALLY necessary.

Do you have a coping tool or process that you know works but that you despise using? Have you been able to change how you feel about using it? How do you feel about methods of self care that involve other people’s participation?