We cannot selectively numb emotions, when we numb the painful emotions, we also numb the positive emotions. – Brené Brown

As meditation has grown to a one- to two-hour part of my waking hours many days, the obvious question is, how do I fit it in?

I’ve had to give up or reduce the time I spend doing three things:

1. Mindless Screen Time

2. Crappy Sleep

3. Pleasure Reading

As you can see, for the most part, there hasn’t been a huge loss.

Some of time gained by giving up most of my mindless screen time went back into pleasure reading. While I’m reading a little less some days, my reading time hasn’t taken a huge hit.

Maybe you’re thinking I was using the screen a lot if I gave it up and was able to divide it between reading and two hours of meditation. Well, you’d be right.

I knew I was spending too much time on the screen. It’s probably hard for any of us to say how much time we spend on screens a day. How many times do you mindlessly pick up your phone and just start playing with it? Did you need or even want to check your messages, social, or your email?

These days, if I pause after mindlessly picking up the phone, I usually end up putting it back down again without doing anything with it.

I used to sit down with one of my screens, forget while I was getting on, but instead of setting it down, I’d dawdle, hoping I’d remember why I was there. I rarely do that anymore. I catch myself quickly, set the screen down, and do something else.

I’ve been more present when I’m home with the kids. When I disappear to meditate, they know not to come to me unless there is an emergency, which has never happened. And I’m getting the same amount of everything else done that I was before I started meditating  – homeschool, housework, meal prep.

Laundry may have taken a hit. Once every few days the baskets build up in the living room to the point that I can’t take it anymore, and I call in the reinforcements and endure the whining “but it isn’t folded.” Or I’ll find a quiet moment and fold for a bit during the day. The thing about the laundry is that it can wait.

What about this crappy sleep? The Chaplain gets up early for work. He handles our kids who are early risers, and takes Six to school. Once Six is at school, things quiet down. He is usually the first kid to wake up, and he makes the most noise.

I used to wake up when Six did. Sometimes I’d come out of my room and help him with something so he would stop picking fights, slamming doors, and shouting, which tends to escalate when the Chaplain is taking a shower. Once I got Six settled, I would often go back to bed.

The other kids would slowly get up and come downstairs. The Bigs handled breakfast for the Littles, and they usually read or play quietly until I come down. If Seven didn’t get woken up before his time by the door slamming and shouting, he’d sleep in many mornings.

I could get another 45 minutes to an hour of sleep this way, but it wasn’t great sleep. I would toss and turn and wake up feeling groggy and behind on the day.

Now, when I wake up that first time, I pay attention. Is my body asking for more sleep? I might lay quietly and see if I can drift off again. More likely, I’m ready to wake up, I just want to do it slowly and quietly.

I’ll put on my headphones and start a meditation. Thirty minutes to an hour later, I get up and get dressed. The same amount of time has passed as if I had rolled over and gone back to sleep, but I’m not groggy and I’m likely not out of sorts, either.

I have been a little sad to give up part of my pleasure reading time. Some of it was spent reading a couple of blogs I enjoy. Now I’ll hop on every couple of days and binge a little to catch up. I’ve stopped looking at the posts that don’t interest me.

One of the blogs I like has a lively comments section that lights up in the hours after a thought-provoking post. I’ve had to give up being part of that community. While I still comment at times, I usually get to it after the dust has settled and no one is really interacting with the post anymore. I miss being part of that dialogue, especially when the post is about something I care deeply about.

I can live without the reading I used to do on my screens. The book reading, I miss. I missed book reading before meditation, too, though. I used to go to bed at night and feel like I hadn’t spent as much time reading as I’d wanted to because I ended up mindlessly doing things (like screen time) instead. This happens a lot less now. I still sometimes end the day wishing I could have read more, but I don’t bemoan how I spent my day like I used to.

Where I used to browse on my iPad while I ate breakfast most mornings, now I sit at the dining room table with my meal and read a book while I eat. If during quiet time, I don’t find something to watch that interests me, I set the screen aside and read instead.

My midday meditation tends to happen during quiet time (in the past, I might have been folding laundry, watching a second episode of my show, or both) or while the kids are having their screen time in the late afternoon. The evening session is usually in the hour before or after the kids go to bed.

When I look at how I spend my time now, meditation helped me prioritize so that I spend less time doing things thoughtlessly. While screen time was probably the biggest time suck, neurotic cleaning was also an offender. I still do both of those things sometimes, especially when I’m low functioning. I find a clean house soothing. But cleaning mindfully is much more satisfying than when I do it compulsively. I haven’t changed how much I clean, but I have changed how I clean for the most part.

Once or twice a week, I give myself permission to slack off a little – maybe go down to 45 minutes of meditation for the day. Roll your eyes. But it’s that cheat day that helps you stick to your diet, right? And for now, this is working for me.

I doubt I’m the only one who has gotten to the end of a day with regrets about how I spent my time. It’s so hard to pull away from the mindless, numbing activities we engage in to medicate ourselves.

Which brings me back to the Brené Brown quote at the beginning. It’s from The Gifts of Imperfection, which I’m 90% sure I read this past year. I probably blogged about it, too. I read so many of Brown’s books over the summer. I can’t find any posts about that particular book, so I’m going to stop looking, because: Mindless Browsing.

I think you see where we’re going, though. I gave up much of the numbing, escapist behaviors so that I could come back to earth and be more present. Because of the meditation, being present doesn’t feel like too much. When it does, I know I can come back to the practices I’ve been doing to settle myself back down again.

The space I enter when I meditate that is way better than anything I experience when I’m engaging in numbing behaviors. Something had to give in order to make time for meditation, and I’m pleased with the way things shook down.