(Sometimes, when we are stuck inside on cold days, it is dreamy. Other times, not so much.)

It had been an icy cold day, a frustrating day, when my husband got home from work. He took one look at my face, and told me to get out of the house for a while. I started to do one last thing – putting laundry away – then stopped myself, put my coat on, and left.

I saw the glowing light when I got into the car telling me I needed gas, but I figured I wasn’t going far and I could get some on my way home after I ran a few errands. I drove to my first stop and headed into the store.

I let my mind wander while I picked up the things we needed, along with a few things we didn’t.

When I got back out to the car, it wouldn’t start.

I almost texted my husband an SOS.

Instead, I hiked across two parking lots to a home improvement store across the way, bought a gas can, hiked across another parking lot to a gas station, filled up my gas can, and hiked back across the three parking lots to fill up my tank.

It took some time to figure out how to use the gas can. I spilled gas down my coat and got it on my hands. There was also some dirty slush involved.

Still, I was feeling strong. I was a problem solver. I was an independent woman.

The car started, and I drove to my next stop.

I did my shopping again, this time with a little more focus. After my detour, I was ready to be finished for the night.

I came out and loaded up the car, and it wouldn’t start.

How was that even possible?

The gas tank wasn’t empty anymore, but what else could I do?

I got my gas can, hiked back over to the gas station, which was a little closer this time. I filled up my can, and hiked back to the car. I knew how to work the gas can now, but that didn’t stop me from spilling more gas. I’m blaming a design flaw.

The car still wouldn’t start. I called AAA.

They wanted to know, was I in a safe place? I said I guessed so, I was in a well lit parking lot in front of a store that was open. I wasn’t on the side of the highway.

An hour later, I was sitting, shivering in my car. The lot was now empty, my cell phone was almost dead, and the store had closed. I had nowhere to go unless I wanted to walk across several dark parking lots to get there. I was feeling less safe, and the sense of empowerment was totally gone.

My husband came when it became clear I was at the very bottom of AAA’s list. We tried to jump the car without success, then he drove me home. When I called AAA back to tell them I was leaving, the apologetic AAA operator said they would send a driver to our house to pick up the keys to the car so they could tow it without us having to go back into the cold.

A hot shower brought the feeling back into my hands and got rid of the gasoline smell.

The next morning, my husband drove over to the mechanic’s and was able to start the car, although a few weeks later we had to replace the battery.

I had started out that evening feeling defeated about my day. Then felt the strength and power that comes from autonomy. Then felt defeated again. It reminded me of the thin line that exists between feeling like you’re killing it, and feeling like you can’t do anything right.

I’ve been reading about mindfulness and how we can use it to help us process stress, and I’m hoping to use it in my life. I’m pretty sure it wouldn’t have helped that night, but it probably would have helped me ahead of time so that maybe I wouldn’t have needed to get out of the house at all.

And mindfulness as prevention sounds a whole lot better to me than “escaping” to a cold, dark, empty parking lot.