Social media has always been a struggle for me. I imagine millennials have an easier time of it. Computers weren’t even part of my life until I was an older kid. I learned to type chatting with my friends in high school on AOL IM.

I actually met strangers in chat rooms, one of whom became a snail mail pen pal who I corresponded with for years, exchanging letters and mixed tapes.

I remember hearing about Facebook when it was invite-only for college students.

When I joined I wanted to use it as a way to keep a record of my life and stay in touch with family that didn’t live close by.

I started connecting with high school and college classmates. Some were dear friends, some were just acquaintances. At first, I ignored invites from work acquaintances, then I allowed them in, too. It was hard to say no to people I knew.

My anxiety grew as my friend count did, and I struggled with what to post, struggled with my reasons for posting, hated that I was willing to sacrifice my privacy and the privacy of my family in so many ways.

At one point, I tried paring down my friend list, but when some people I had taken off my list added me again months later, I let them back in.

A little over a week before this past Christmas, I stopped going on Facebook. It coincided with a time of year when I would normally want to be on social media – sharing Christmas greetings with friends (our Christmas pic this year was amazing!), connecting with friends and family, and posting photos of our trip to Tobago.

Sharing and commenting on our photos together has become a time honored way to share the trip with our family here and in the States in real time.

As much as I enjoyed the connections I had on Facebook, I could no longer separate my need to connect with my need for approval. That isn’t a place I want to be.

I made an announcement at Christmas with my extended family that I had given up Facebook. Now I’m not so sure. But I knew that was time for a furlough so I could figure out how I want to use the platform on my own terms.

I’m still figuring out what that’s going to mean, but a month after giving up FB, I don’t miss it. I’ll probably stop in soon, but it feels a little overwhelming to go back. How could I ever catch up on what I’ve missed? Do I need to?

For now, I’m trying out Instagram to see if it’s a better fit, and continuing to blog as a way to share with the world. Hopefully the break will help me work out on my own terms how I want to move forward.