Forever ago, I wrote about having a uniform. It’s changed some over the years. One thing has stayed the same: A wool neckwarmer for fall, winter, and spring, so I don’t catch my death of cold.

The site where I buy these merino wool tubes releases new colors from time to time, usually a few a year, and if the colors match with my aesthetic, I’ll treat myself to one (and by treat, I mean buy a two or three in a spasm of stress spending).

Since I’ve been wearing them for so long, I have every color they make that I like. I found one of my favorites on clearance ages ago. It’s since been discontinued. I’ve worn it so much that it’s beginning to develop holes. For a Same Same person like me who for comfort will wear the same thing every day, eat the same thing, do the same thing, listen to the same thing, just to keep my world spinning at the right angle, the idea of one of my favorite articles of clothing falling apart and not having a replacement was … upsetting. In December 2023, I wrote to the company, to request that they bring back the color combo I liked so much. It’s a reversible greige and chartreuse number – so nutty, so autumnal. I helpfully sent them a color swatch AND a picture of a bird to show them exactly what I wanted.

Over the years I have invested a significant amount of my discretionary spending on these neck warmers (I’m their number one customer! I keep the brand afloat!). Even if they never responded, it made me feel better just to have asked.

Then, they wrote me back.

“thanks (sic) for being a fan of our brand. That clay/chartreuse is a great color! We keep popular and good selling styles/colors on for a few seasons but then we retire some colors to bring new updated one in. Most folks are not aware that our designers review the premium Outdoor wear manufactures upcoming season color pallets so we can create colors that coordinate with Outerwear. As we have such a high minimum order QT for each new product, we wouldn’t bring back the older colors, sorry to disappoint you. ”

TLDR? My color was never coming back, and asking for it demonstrated my complete lack of understanding of how capitalism works.

I would rather they hadn’t said anything at all. At the very least, they could have been a little less condescending.

Imagine my surprise this season when not even a full year after I’d written my color request letter, I was checking out their new colors for this year, and I saw they had added EXACTLY THE COLOR I ASKED FOR. Honestly, what I had been asking for was more of an aesthetic than a specific color. What they made is a tonal blend of the colors on the color swatch I’d sent, the bird, and my old neck warmer. It’s arguably as good as the old neckwarmer, maybe better. It’s almost like they actually used the images I sent to make the product.

They said no, but then they did what I asked.

Now, let’s talk about another bird.This October marks a full year since the accelerated genocide in Gaza began, heralded by Hamas’ prison break last October, resulting in the deaths of hundreds of Israeli civilians. Tens, and maybe hundreds of thousands, of Palestinians have been killed since then during Israel’s year of collective punishment and revenge.

Also each October? A number of events on social media where each day, you post something related to a prompt, with the entire month following a theme. There’s #fallforcostume for historical costumers, #inktober for artists, and a spooky-themed one whose hashtag I can’t remember. I’ve done #fallforcostume in previous years. Celebrating historical costuming every day for a month this year felt nauseating frivolous. I discovered #inktoberforpalestine and that felt like a better fit.

I’ve made a ton of print art in the past year to work through feelings of helplessness around witnessing genocide. Using what I’d already created, I made it through three themed posts this month before I fell off the bandwagon.

I wanted to draw a Gaza Sunbird (aren’t they breathtaking?), but I couldn’t seem to get started. I have a photo of one printed out on my desk to help me get it right. I have made zero progress, other than thinking about it a lot with longing and a healthy measure of needless guilt. I practiced drawing some barbed wire, another theme of the challenge that I wanted to combine with the sunbird into one piece of art.

In an letter I send with regards to Gaza: What color swatch do I include? The colors of rubble, fresh blood, dried blood, the white-grey of dust in the air following an explosion? An optimistic swatch with the red of poppies, the color of oranges from Jaffa, the green of leaves from an olive tree? What bird image would I send if not the iridescent Gaza Sunbird?

I’m not asking for a neckwarmer the color of a Gaza Sunbird. I don’t think it’s possible without unicorn blood or sorcery. I *am* asking for an end to arms being sent to Israel, an end to the ethnic cleansing, for a people with a rich culture represented by many symbols, including the sunbird.

This week saw another unthinkable escalation in violence. In Northern Gaza, people are being told to leave and sniped if they do, pinned down in their shelters, unable to get food or water. In Lebanon, the Gaza playbook is being applied at lightning speed, with healthcare workers and first responders being killed at a breakneck pace.

A Palestinian baby was born in Gaza yesterday morning, and by noon had been shot in the head by an Israeli sniper (source: MintPress News). This child was conceived, incubated, and birthed into a genocide and killed before it had a chance to live. I keep thinking of the baby’s mother, belly sagging, breasts heavy with milk, body full of hormones, arms empty, heart completely broken.

This might be a tortured metaphor, but I was thinking of the two birds – the Gaza Sunbird, and that plump delight of a neckwarmer bird, the Greenish-Yellow Finch (which aside from its beak, is not unlike a female sunbird). I’m thinking about asking for things. You may or may not expect to be heard, but you feel compelled to ask. If it’s really important, you will keep asking.

Maybe, you’ll get a surprise response. Someone will say, “Ah! I see what you are saying. That is a beautiful colorway and we will absolutely make it into a product you can buy.” “Ah! You’re right, we HAVE been committing genocide. We’re so sorry, and we will stop immediately.”

Maybe they will say no, but then they’ll still do what you ask. Maybe the world, the market, will demand that they do what you ask. Maybe the Gaza Sunbird will take flight, soaring above the barbed wire to reach a place of safety and freedom.