My emotional cell membrane is vapor-thin these days. Everything makes me cry. Mainly the pain in the world, and there is a whole lot of that.

It feels like every interaction is a reminder of how difficult life is. Positive interactions make me cry because I can’t take kindness for granted anymore. Negative interactions make me cry, often because it’s frustrating when seemingly simple things are complicated because of rigid thinking or bureaucracy or both.

My kids’ high school is a boiling pot of rage right now. It’s always been a volatile place – since COVID especially, kids just don’t seem to be able to emotionally regulate and they are ready to fight at the drop of a hat over literally anything.

Right now in particular, there is a race war that began with one wrong and became something so big that kids are fighting in the streets and my kids are spending hours in the dark in the corner of their classrooms under lock down.

That speaks of so much pain. I wish we had better support systems in place to help these kids cope. They have had to deal with so much and the world we are leaving for them is not OK.

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The Israeli state (note my careful wording) is trying to destroy Hamas, but instead they are enacting a horrific punishment on Palestinians. I can hardly bear to read the news. For now I’ve been limiting myself to following my government representatives’ response to the conflict.

Here’s why: I’ve been calling and writing my representatives every week, asking them to support a ceasefire. I watch what they are saying and where they are making appearances to know if they are listening to their constituents on this issue.

So far, their response has been unequivocally pro-Israel. Israeli lives are precious, too. However, Palestinians are paying an incredibly high price for terror they are not responsible for.

Terrorists groups aren’t defeated by traditional methods of war. Instead, the end result is civilian suffering. In this case, that includes over 6,000 children. Three civilians have died for every one member of Hamas who has been killed.

What is happening in Gaza is immoral and unjust.

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“Justice” doesn’t mean the same thing to everyone. I learned as a kid that there was one Truth. In a sense there is, and it is Love. But like the Pharisees in the Bible, a lot of extra “truths” have been tacked on to that Truth over the years – I’m constantly surprised at how recently some of the ideas have taken hold – and those ones aren’t deal breakers. They are subject to interpretation. Yet we act like these ideas are non-negotiable.

Ideas like atonement theory. If you are familiar with Christianity, you may or may not know that there are different theories about what Jesus’ death and resurrection meant for humanity and what purpose it served. I listened recently to a podcast where they discussed the different theories.

An idea I thought was non-negotiable has multiple theories, some of which have been around since the Desert Fathers and Mothers. All of which have grounding in scripture, although some theories have more support than others.

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It’s unfair that teenagers have had to live through COVID and are forced to exist in the current state of the world. Their school, and maybe we as parents, may not have the resources or inclination to help them and leave them a planet worth living on.

It’s unfair that civilians are dying.

It’s unfair that we can’t dialogue or ask questions about our faith without getting shut down on certain issues that the Church is “sure” we know the answers to. Issues like atonement. Issues like how God’s Biblical promises to Israel relate to today’s public policy.

How could you ever know your interpretation of the Bible is the “right” one?  How can I support my high schoolers? What is the solution for the violence at their school?

What can I do about Gaza? Is the momentum now enough to create change in that part of the world, and ultimately, a long-term, peaceful coexistence?

What atonement theory makes sense to me? Do any of them?

Why is the world so unjust?

I don’t know. And so nearly every point of human contact makes me cry – before, during, or after – and that’s just the way it is right now.

My heart is right here, on my sleeve, and it is bleeding on behalf of a hurting world.