I know I get a bit obsessive about these detours into the Possible Magic Pill That Will Fix All My Problems (all duds long term, for the TLDR), but I’m going to stick my head back in here for a moment and finish documenting the old TMS journey, for myself and for anyone else who is looking for accounts of the treatment that are somewhere between rainbows/unicorns and YOU RUINED MY LIFE.

Around treatment Day 17, I woke up and felt “myself” again. It was amazing. I had energy. Joy felt accessible. It last through around Day 21. Then my brain noticed the vacuum left behind by the depression and filled it up with anxiety.

In my experience, antidepressants didn’t have a long term effect on depression, but they did a great job of managing anxiety. When TMS started, I wasn’t worried about anxiety, because it wasn’t ruling my life: Depression was.

A few days into the anxiety tidal wave, I asked the Bro Tech about it, since I was told the treatment was supposed to treat both depression and anxiety. Bless him, he mansplained that some people don’t know who they are without depression and that makes them anxious. Pretty sure that wasn’t my problem. I know who I am without depression. I’m not afraid of her! She’s cool.

So, Bro Tech wasn’t wasn’t helpful.

As planned, the treatments started to taper from five days a week, dropping a day each week. The anxiety remained steady. As it always had, it looked for items to highlight. For instance, now that I was feeling better, I resented having to spend my mornings in the TMS chair. I was no longer there every weekday morning. I resented that TMS was some days and not others and I had to keep track. There was nothing the treatment could do right.

As the TMS continued, the pain of the treatment had kind of dulled down to a “knocking” that was pretty tolerable. When I tapered down to fewer days a week, I wasn’t used to it anymore and the pain increased again. Adjusting the TMS helmet had usually helped with the pain, but we could no longer find a position that worked for me.

The end of the taper lasted four weeks, dragged out from the planned two weeks because my insurance had approved a certain number of sessions and Bro Tech said that it “looks better” if I finished the course of treatment (never mind it also makes the clinic more money?)

I have my last treatment next Wednesday. Since Day 17, I would consider myself depression-free, although I am still moody and I have to be careful about consuming too much of a certain type of media (books*, shows, podcasts, music) that put me in my feelings. I also have to watch out for my old friend, Rumination.

The anxiety peaked and leveled off, thank goodness, but it’s still at a higher level than it was before I started. TMS can sometimes help even after the treatment is over, so I’m hoping I am one of those people and that I continue to feel better.

I’ve noticed that my ADHD symptoms have become more pronounced. I’m doing more, thinking more – and my executive functioning skills are sucking more. I can’t seem to get a grip on my schedule unless everything is exactly the same every week – otherwise, I just don’t show up to things. Daydreaming? Check. Spacing out while people are talking to me? YES. Completely forgetting about things seconds after they happen, including what I was doing? Yep. I’ve gone back to my lists, which I gave up for years after the mushrooms. (I mean, I made lists after the mushrooms, but they were much fewer and I didn’t hang onto them for dear life. Now I am making LISTS.)

So I have some things to work on. Overall, though, in spite of the discomfort of TMS and inconvenience of having to go in for SO MANY DAYS (it will be 35 days of treatment after next week), I got the relief I was looking for. Time will tell if it is more durable than the meds.

Will it last through the long, dark winter? Time will tell. I feel good that I’m starting ahead this year, though.

*One such book is Winter Garden by Kristin Hannah. It has an element of history, an exploration of family relationships, and good storytelling. If you need to cry, it will help loosen your tears so they can fall. I’m all about books for a good emotional release. But I must read stories like this one at a time with breaks in between.