Back when I was on FB, it was pretty easy to make the decision only to connect with people I knew in real life. On IG, it’s a little easier to slowly add folks who have interesting style, pursuits, or perspectives. So there are quite a few people on my feed who I don’t know personally.

That’s a little weird for me. I like that I can connect and be inspired creatively by these folks, but sometimes they share their opinions and then I quietly set my phone down and have an existential crisis.

Last night was a bad night to be on social media, especially as a homeschooling mom. I sent a grand total of one kid to school this week. My college student started classes a while before that, which bizarrely resulted in him being home more than usual rather than less. The rest of my kids are homeschool students at different levels of willingness.

Yesterday was the first day of school for many, including our family. I had taken pics of my fresh high schooler that morning, but didn’t post them because I don’t feel totally right about posting about her on my feed anymore unless it’s a family event. She’s at an age where it’s time for her to be in charge of her own  online presence.

My feed was full of the expected back-to-school pics – but after a demoralizing year and a half, unsurprisingly, some of my long-time homeschool mom friends have sent their kids to school this year for the first time. And I totally, one hundred percent, on the point of being a tiny bit jealous, understand why.

Which takes me back to my social media stranger friend. Who shared last night that if it isn’t easy, then it isn’t worth doing, and it’s probably not what you’re supposed to be doing, anyway. (This is a paraphrase. I think the actual wording was slightly more compelling.)

Now, I have deep in my psyche training that says that good things come with great effort. That there is meaning to be had in good, hard work. That winners don’t quit. I tentatively scrolled through the comments under the “Easy or Not At All” post to see if anyone was taking this statement to task.

Instead, everyone was agreeing with the poster. They were talking about how long it had taken for them to learn that lesson for themselves. I was trying to understand – were these people talking about surrendering to what is? Or did they really mean that if something is meant to be, we won’t run into any obstacles in its pursuit?

If that is true, then most of my life is a lie.

Most of the things that are difficult in my life right now are the result of choices I’ve made and our family has made collectively. Choices to have a big family, to homeschool, to work as a night shift nurse.

Those things are all in keeping with my values as a person and a parent, but they are all really hard. Does that mean I’m not supposed to be doing them? Should I have stood at the foot of my driveway yesterday morning and said goodbye to all my kids instead of just the one? I honestly don’t know.

Many of us are pretty burnt out after a year with no end. I keep slogging through things that ought to bring me joy, but with most of my interests defaulting to solo pursuits thanks to our friendly local pandemic, it’s a lonely road. My kids, who initially wanted to do historical costuming with me, are showing little interest now, so I’ve made a lot of costume pieces for them that may never get worn again, and now have no one to dress up with. (And I have more ideas. We weren’t done! Come back! This might be the adult equivalent of dressing up one’s cat as a child.)

I want to homeschool, but already on day two today I was fighting with my fighter, and doing less than I wanted to with another child (we  made up for it another day). But in the moment, once again, I was questioning if I can ever be enough.

Then, three of the kids were sitting at the coffee table in the living room in between school subjects, practicing magic tricks from books they got from the library. Two more kids were watching them, hoping for a chance to raise their hand and be a volunteer for one of the tricks. There was popcorn and chicken nuggets for lunch. Now, after much, much bickering, the kids are finally settled upstairs and I can hear one of them loudly reading to the others. His read-aloud volume is always 8/10, and I respect that.

Those day-to-day details are why I homeschool. Beyond instilling values and schedule flexibility, I want my kids to be able to pursue things that interest them and not have their interests have to come after everything else. I want kids who voluntarily shout-read to each other in their free time.

I want their interests to BE the school. Then, I fill in the rest. That isn’t easy work. That is flexibility, which is not my strength. It is patience. Also not a skill I score high for.

I would like life to take less effort. I haven’t figured out how to make that be true. I’m not able to care less about things that bother me, although I’m working on it.

So I moved the IG app to a place on my phone where I can’t see it. Now, at least for a while, I will only be dealing my own expectations, without the added pressure of other people’s accomplishments and enlightenment.

Do you believe that anything that is meant to be will be easy? If that’s not true, can an argument be made for living with suffering? At what point do we recognize the resistance we’re experiencing is a hint that we’re on the wrong path?

The photo is of a zinnia growing in the kids’ garden. I used my macro lens to capture it.