This past week, I met with a mediation coach to talk about how I can be a better communicator, specifically in regards to my family relationships.

The two-hour virtual meeting was exhausting, but I came away with some new tools to practice. I can’t figure out why we don’t teach these skills to everyone while they’re in school.

I’m seeking out resources to begin honing my listening and conflict resolution skills. I’m bringing the kids along for the ride. They already practice their communication skills on each other every day, and maybe exposure to some new methods will reduce shouting and door slamming.

In our house, someone does something annoying/teases/bullies/takes something that isn’t theirs, then the offended person typically defends themselves or their possessions. It quickly escalates to raised voices.

No one asks me to get involved right away. I have trained the kids to problem solve on their own first. When someone calls me without troubleshooting, most issues don’t require my involvement –  the kids usually just need to apply more time and patience.While the kids have mastered not calling me immediately, they tend to over-correct by waiting until it’s a complete disaster before asking for help. It’s a work in progress. And with seven kids, when the call for help comes, I’m almost always already dealing with something else that is hard to pull away from (like helping another child, or two).

Things reach their climax. Everyone is mad. There is some stewing, and then things calm down until it happens again.

There are so many characters in our house, so many verbal interactions, that I’m rarely able to come back to any one situation and help the kids resolve it. I try deal with the general causes of the conflict, which almost always have to do with someone’s personal autonomy.

It’s important for each individual to have personal space and items they don’t have to share. And that means being able to draw boundaries for oneself and communicate one’s needs, and having those needs respected.When I was a kid, I bickered constantly with my siblings without thinking about it. It didn’t bother me at all; it was the way we negotiated and communicated with each other. When we went to visit one of my cousins as a child, she asked me why we fought all the time.

As an adult who can’t stand the constant battering undercurrent of bickering that goes on in my own house, now I understand what my c0usin was talking about.

Through bickering, the kids are learning how different people communicate, who they can trust, and how to broker a deal. But there are subtler skills I’d like them to pick up, and many times it seems like I don’t have the mental space to use their real-life conflicts to teach those skills.

I’m thinking back to Brene Brown, and how she said the best parenting advice is to be the adult you want your kids to become. As Michael from Burn Notice would say, It’s the Only Way. Saying sorry is one behavior I’ve committed to demonstrating – apologizing, again and again, when I do something that violates my conscience, especially with my kids.I recently received my Dear Abby pamphlet in the mail, The Anger In All of Us and How to Deal with It. “Why do you have that booklet?” one of the kids asked in an accusing tone. “Because I have a problem with anger,” I replied, feeling a little defensive and trying not to raise my voice, “As do most of the people in this house.” (True story).

I just got a book from the library on emotional regulation to read with the kids. I ordered another one on forgiveness and reconciliation. I’m going to keep reading, to myself and to the kids, keeping talking about it, and continue practicing my skills on and with the kids.

I hope, like me, that the kids will eventually get fed up with bickering and risk conflict only when there’s something important at stake. I hope I keep my sanity until then. Maybe, they’ll get a few ideas from their Late Blooming Mom about how to communicate more effectively with each other, how to stay calm and collected (I’m getting better at it), and how to smooth things over after feathers get ruffled.By the end of my mediation session, it was clear that my active listening skills could use some work – I’m not great at coming up with open-ended, judgement-free follow-up questions after someone shares something with me, to help get to the heart of what a person is trying to convey. I’ll be looking for opportunities to work on this skill. What’s your communications-related area of growth?