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After yesterday’s post I felt like I had to follow up because today was so different from the past several weeks.
I woke up this morning and had finished molting. The tight skin of anxiety was gone.
I wish I could tell you I figured out how to fix it. Was it the nature bath I took yesterday at the park, that seeped into my system overnight? Maybe it was wearing earplugs and a mouth guard two nights in a row to reduce the hyper-vigilance and teeth grinding?
The honest truth is, I think it was just over.
I don’t even feel like myself when I get those prolonged anxiety episodes. Eventually they end, but it never seems to do with anything I did.
Anxiety in my family is generational, and it was a struggle of my grandmother’s. She passed away a year ago this weekend. I think the anniversary may be today.
I just realized my whole body may have been grieving this whole time and I never consciously made the connection.
I spent a couple of weekends last fall with my Grandma. She wasn’t at peace when I was with her. I held space with her while she struggled, held her hand, and told her she would be ready when the time came.
My family who was able to be with her when she passed said she was at peace in the end. The only part I got to see was the fear.
I think I’m processing that. Losing Grandma was the first time a close family member died since I’ve been an adult. Grief when you’re a kid is different. I have barely recognized adult grief.
It’s like Grandma and her anxiety have been inhabiting my body for weeks. While it was infinitely recognizable, I was too foggy and paralyzed to make the connection.
I know she’s free from her anxiety now, but her descendants will have to keep working it out, learning new tools with each generation.
If she hangs out with me in the future, I’d rather we not wallow in anxiety, but I’m wise to the fact that that with these things, we usually don’t get to choose.
Kathy Furniss says: There definitely is something about anniversaries that we sometimes don’t even consciously recognize. I have been reviewing in my mind those last few weeks of Grandma’s life and again grieving her loss. Even though I have experienced the grief of my father’s and brother’s passing, this was different. There have been times this past year where I felt a physical ache for my mother. Other times, tears came to my eyes because I couldn’t pick up the phone and call her like I had done hundreds of times before. My consolation is that she is at peace in Heaven with no more anxiety or fear or depression and that, someday, I will be there with her. In the meantime, I thank God for having had such a wonderful mother for so many years of my life… a woman who taught me generosity and faithfulness and a love for family. By the way, the one year anniversary of her death is today, but she did die on a Sunday. Not sure how that happened unless we had a leap year last year?
It *was* a leap year, although that feels like a thousand years ago. I also remembered that weekend was the two year anniversary of my Netherlands trip. So there were a lot of feelings, and I can’t fairly lay them all in one basket. We thought of her today as we remembered gathering in her memory last year.
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