Recently I was talking to another mom at an event and she was telling me a little about her teenage son. I said something in response to what she told me that indicated that I wasn’t quite as involved in my son’s personal life as she was in hers. In that moment I realized we were both judging each other.

I was judging her for letting her son date at such a young age. I was judging her for judging her son’s girlfriend for not being Good Enough for him. She was judging me for my lack of involvement in my son’s life and my not getting up in his phone frequently enough. And judging her son’s (now ex-) girl for growing up in an unstable household without adequate support, leading to emotional issues and self harming behaviors.

She said the girl would call her son at 3 a.m. because her parents were fighting and she didn’t know what to do.

My kids could have done that this year. Called someone in the middle of the night because his parents were fighting again and he didn’t know what to do.

The mom I was talking to didn’t know that. In fact, other than the surface things we have in common, she doesn’t know much about me. Many of us would have to admit that about each other.

How would you know if you were talking to someone who fights with their spouse in the middle of the night, sometimes loud enough to wake the kids? People don’t talk about that. No one wants to be awake at that hour arguing about anything, let alone arguing with their partner. But sometimes things feel so desperate and emotions run so high that it seems important to work out whatever is bothering you both rather than sleep on it and revisit it when you’re fresh.

A few weeks ago, my oldest went to a neighboring city on the bus to visit a friend. He didn’t tell us where he was going. We knew he was out with friends. He called late to ask if he could spend the night. It was a classic move. It was late enough that we didn’t want him on the streets trying to get home at that hour, and we didn’t want to pick him up. We didn’t know the friend. But we said yes. Our son tends to be a responsible kid.

At 1 a.m. the phone rang. The friend’s parents were fighting and he had to leave his friend’s house. The busses were no longer running. Could we come get him?

I picked him up on a street corner and we made our way home in silence.

I’ve been reminded many times this year as I took part in similar conversations that we often assume when we are talking to other people that they are just like us. We’ll make disparaging comments about a third group of people without realizing that the person we’re speaking to is a part of that “third” group. Occasionally the other person will out themselves as part of the Other, but more often, they quietly smile and nod and keep a pleasant look on their face only to sigh deeply later when the conversation is over.

We rationalize judging certain groups of people – how can it be healthy to….

….let your kid breastfeed until he is (fill in an age)?

….fight loudly and desperately in earshot of your children?

…let your child date at (fill in an age)?

…let your kid looks at screens at (fill in an age) for (fill in a unit of time)?

We can justify it with our own personal opinions, public opinion, or even scripture.

For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you. Matthew 7:2

A God of compassion is looking down on us and knows exactly why each of us act in exactly the way we do. God knows the particular sins that tend to plague each one of us. It’s not our job to decide what sins other people are committing, yet we all do it anyway while being barely conscious of it.

I’m beginning to be more aware of myself and the way I think in real time. I’m watching all the ways I slip into the old grooves of feelings ashamed of my actions because someone else disapproves, or judging someone else because I disapprove.

It’s hard not to judge. It might be even harder, depending on your personality, to stop perceiving condemnation from others and to stop caring about it. But we can be aware of ourselves as we’re being judgemental, and to find ways to exercise compassion to another person even just in our hearts when we find ourselves feeling like we are doing it right and they aren’t. And if we’re feeling judged, find ways to be kind to ourselves first and look toward God, not others, to know if we measure up.

Pictured above, some of my late-blooming tulips from Amsterdam growing in my weed-filled front garden.