It feels amazing when you have energy and you’re getting a ton of stuff crossed off your to-do list, doesn’t it? If it were easier to keep a balanced perspective, those times would probably keep you going during the times when making even simple decisions felt exhausting and you were staring down your third day of laying on the sofa all afternoon because you just couldn’t get up.

Maybe that’s just me.

I go through periods where I feel so productive. I’m plowing through books, taking pictures, meeting my family obligations, making dinner regularly and at a decent hour. I’m fixing things, making things, or keeping things clean. I’m caught up on the laundry and there aren’t any fingerprints on the bathroom mirror.

And then there are times with Productive Me is so far off, it’s hard to remember we’re related.

That was me, for months before our trip to Tobago. I wasn’t making shorts, or doing any sewing at all. I was just trying to get through school each day and feed my kids something other than cereal a few nights a week.

Usually, I work the weekend before we leave; this year I had the wisdom to schedule myself off the weekend of our Sunday flight. Having off produced an unexpected effect, though. When I know I’m working just a day or two before we leave, I pack way ahead of time. I’ll have everything ready with time to spare when I leave for that last shift before our departure.

This year, I didn’t have the pressure of that shift, and ended up waiting to pack until just days before we were leaving.

The week before we left, I started packing the kids’ bags. I packed my own bag last, after a mini spiral of anxiety and dread in which I was sure I’d never have the energy or decision-making capability to do it properly. When you wait till the last minute, you chance not being able to rely on online shopping to take care of any list of needed items the packing generates. So you’re left with making a trip to the store, or going without.

You know what, though? Waiting till the last minute, I couldn’t really dither about what to bring. I read my list, trusted it, and packed lighter than I ever have. I even paid attention to my notes from last year, and brought only the number of books I’d suggested for myself, but none of the other stuff I like to think I’ll do while I’m here (hand lettering and adult coloring books, I’m looking at you.) I even packed a sequin shirt I picked up for an event late last year (but with Tobago in mind), because going out down here means being a little more flashy than I normally would at home (maybe I’m inspired by the hummingbirds).

Packing for international travel for nine of us is always a little more exciting than I would like. There’s the person who doesn’t have a bathing suit (or any socks!), the finding of things, and sorting through bins of summer clothes in the dead of winter. The toughest part is not packing every single thing we might need while we’re there and trusting that packing light will work out and that we won’t miss the things we didn’t bring (we usually don’t). And I did it all as Shadow Me, not Productive Me.

Productive Me tends to be a little manic, but I like her. She gets sh!t done, so to speak. Shadow Me lays around and gets a little better each time she shows up at not comparing herself to Productive Me. It’s still tough to ratchet down expectations during my low energy times. I always want to set my goals based on what I’m capable of when I’m at my best.

Most of the time, I’m not at my best. I don’t know if I’ll ever be totally OK with that. My packing experience this time compared to other years showed me that sometimes, being at my best means over-doing things.

Shadow Me can get things done, too, and sometimes, she does it in a way that is a little leaner and meaner than my more generous and expansive Productive Me. It means finding creative solutions with what we have rather than building, making, or buying what we don’t have. Projecting and Going To The Store is for Productive Me, and Shadow Me only does those things under duress.

I’d love to be full of energy for the tasks at hand, but lowering my expectations doesn’t mean getting a bad deal. It may just mean being more satisfied with what I end up with, because I expected less, yet still got what I needed.