The LORD doesn’t see things the way you see them. People judge by outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart. 1 Samuel 16:7b NLT

I’ve been reading and hearing a lot about a woman’s midlife re-evaluation lately. It happens in your late 20’s to late 30’s, and it’s when you really start to question the futility of your repetitive everyday tasks and ask yourself if what you have is what you wanted from your life. It can be a little threatening to the people who love you because it can catalyze some serious change.

I’ve always been a late bloomer, so I’ve only been experiencing this the past couple of years. I was coming to the end of my childbearing years and trying to figure out how much Laura was left outside of making babies, giving birth to them, and feeding them until my already small chest was downright pathetic.

This midlife business (ironic we women hit it early, since we live longer. It’s really more of a First Third of Life Re-evaluation, but that just means we have more time to get it right after our first meltdown) has really made me question as a Christian and as a woman, which standards I’m holding myself to and why.

I was treated badly in the past for feeling legitimate emotions. Then, there’s the societal expectations of women. If I am feeling moody, it is immediately followed by the sense that I’m overdoing it, feeling to much, or feeling something I shouldn’t be feeling (Why are you anxious? There’s nothing wrong!/Why are you crying? It wasn’t that big of a deal.)

Women are supposed to be Nice. We shouldn’t Make Anyone Uncomfortable, especially about our Needs. Women are the cryers, but if we cry too much, it must be Hormones. And our emotions are illegitimate when they are fueled by our chemical cocktail. (We won’t talk about testosterone, men, and anger, but that is what comes to mind as I’m writing this).

When I’m trying to do something or behave in some way because I think it’s what other people want, it can be hard to step back from that feeling of obligation. Is the “obligation” really a requirement, or could I take a pass this time? Is God looking to teach me something about selflessness? Or perseverance? Priorities?

I fight in my relationship with God because I’m afraid He’s going to tell me something I don’t want to hear. Sometimes He doesn’t ask me first, He just ministers to me through a song or a podcast when I’m too busy or stubborn to listen to Him directly.

The times when I’ve finally surrendered and felt I had an answer from God, He has said things like, “I’m carrying you.” and “I forgive you.” Not phrases to run away from. Phrases you hear and wonder why you were fighting so hard. It’s like the two-year-old fiercely in tantrum while a loving parent waits to offer them a hug.

I have short hair. I have the shortest hair of most of the women I know. I LOVE my hair. I love how it looks, I love how it feels. I love how easy it is to style, and I feel like it’s a perfect reflection of my personality. And as an added bonus, the Chaplain is a fan, too.

I know The Message short hair on a white woman can send. It might be threatening, or uncomfortable for some people.

Sometimes I feel the pressure of already being a Super Weird Homeschooling Megamom, and think, the hair is just too much. Or maybe it’s my sometimes raggedy, mismatched children. Or our chronic lateness. There is always something that feels like it is the extra straw that breaks the camel’s back.

I’ve always thought of myself as a nonconformist, but I still feel the pang of wanting to be accepted. There is always this internal battle of wanting to fit in and be liked but hating myself for the ways I’m willing to compromise to feel I’m accommodating people and not making them squirm.

It’s hard to know sometimes if those expectations are coming from me, God, or other people. My sense of worth coming from God is the piece that is going to make everything else a lot more clear. If I know I am loved by God and have worth just because of that, the expectations (my own AND other people’s) matter a lot less.

I have been afraid to fully let God into my life. I’m afraid He will wreck it. I’m afraid He will be as critical and judgemental of me as I am of myself. In holding God at arm’s length at times, I’ve also prevented myself from feeling the full warmth of His love.

In the moments when He finds a chink in my armor and sneaks in, I haven’t found condemnation, but compassion. When I feel convicted about something I’m doing wrong, I’m the one who is beating me up about it. God is just quietly letting me know I need to change the way I’m doing things or that I owe someone an apology.

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11

*In the spirit of full disclosure, the podcast I linked is fantastic, but it does contain some language. YouTube was the easiest way to share the song, but I would listen to it without watching the video – not because there is anything wrong with the video, but watching a cartoon humvee driving through a rough section of a city while trying to read the (sometimes indecipherable) lyrics blasting across the screen was a little overstimulating and distracts from the parts of the song English speakers will understand. And if you speak Jamaican Patwah and understand more of its lyrics than I do and discover it isn’t what I think it is (an unashamed prayer), please don’t break my heart. Once upon a time there was a Beenie Man song that I loved. I thought it was talking about how this one woman was everything Beenie Man needed, she was every girl he could have wanted in one wonderful woman. Except, as the Chaplain gently explained one day, Beenie Man was talking about having a different woman for each of his (many) needs. Which was the correct translation, but it ruined the song for me forever. This concludes the longest footnote to appear on this blog to date.