I started with the brain books. Then, a little while back, I shared my favorite books on sex and marriage. Here are the rest of the sex books I read, along with my thoughts.

Want to see the books without their paper covers?

I’ve read a lot of books about sex and marriage in the past six months or so. It started with the sex books. But I quickly realized that sex was the symptom, not the problem. Since then, we’ve worked a lot on our relationship as a whole, spending a week at a marriage intensive, putting a ton of energy into effective communication, understanding and affirming the other’s feelings, and self care. This stuff doesn’t fix itself, any of it. It has been hard, hard, hard. And sure, sex is a symptom, but that doesn’t mean I don’t still want to do whatever I can to make things better while we work on the bigger picture.

So, in ascending order (because I’m a rebel)…

1. She Comes First, by Ian Kerner, Ph.D.

I bought this book for the Chaplain as the “His” companion to the “Hers” book Come As You Are. Truth: I wasn’t planning on reading this book. I was going to let the Chaplain read it.

I knew ahead of time the book’s goal is teaching a man the “gospel” of giving his partner oral sex. I was hoping it would have more to offer than that, since it feels like a pretty narrow focus, and one I’m not into at this time (this is a gross oversimplification of a complex thing).

However, in talking with the Chaplain, and thinking about before and after the book came into our house, the book does have other gifts to offer. It effectively communicates guy-to-guy how women’s bodies work differently from theirs and the approach that requires. It can help switch a guy’s mindset to a different gear that can help make things happen. It also puts a big focus on making sure your partner is comfortable and relaxed, which goes a long way in any encounter.

After talking to the Chaplain, I was very curious about what he’d read, so I sat down and read most of it myself. I was impressed with the effective, literary way Kerner communicates his ideas. He covers techniques, general approach, learning female anatomy, and how to recognize where your partner is in the process. It even covers some of the hang ups women have and how to help them feel more comfortable.

Kerner emphasizes that you will have the most success with a long-term, monogamous partner where the two of you are comfortable with each other and trust one another, and there is a high degree of familiarity with what the other person likes.

I felt like this was a valuable addition to the arsenal. It offered a lot of good material beyond its stated goal.

2. Come As You Are, by Emily Nagoski, Ph.D.

If you haven’t already read my review of this book, you can click over there now. If you don’t feel like clicking and just want to know my vote, Yes. Read the book.

3. The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex: (and you thought Bad Girls had all the fun), by Sheila Wray Gregoire

If you’re uncomfortable already, I’m right there with you. And if you want the abbreviated version, there is some value to this book, but overall, I can’t recommend it.

Written for Christian women who are engaged or married, Gregoire dives in with the basics, then addresses the place of sex within marriage for men and women, and specific issues married couples often face that interfere with sexual intimacy, along with ideas for keeping things cooking.

Gregoire’s first mistake was the way she tried to address inexperienced virgins, people with sexual pasts, and people who have been married for a number of years individually, yet all in one book. All of those people are going to come to the table with very different levels of knowledge, attitudes, and feelings towards sex. Here is the ideal when you have a diverse audience and an intimate topic: a warm, cozy living room with big sofas and soft lighting. What you get with this book: a church basement with metal folding chairs and fluorescent lighting. Also, possibly mirrors on the walls. Rather than welcoming everyone into the room, Gregoire invites in certain people, and then makes everyone else feel icky. Then, if those people she invited in aren’t already also feeling icky, she makes sure they begin to feel uncomfortable, too.

One very appealing thing to me about marital sex is the spiritual communion. Gregoire addresses this and has some ideas about encouraging it. But she muddies the water by talking about the spiritual, emotional, and physical connection – warning couples against focusing too much on the physical. In my experience, not every sexual encounter feels like church. Maybe it’s a reflection on my own relationship, not Gregoire, but I think she sets up false expectations in this area.

The author repeatedly brings up the topic of shame, but never really gets into the nitty-gritty of practical ways for dealing with it. I know I am not alone in dealing with this issue. The older I get, the more I realize how universal the human experience is. Christian women often struggle with shame; talking about it without offering any insight into how or why isn’t helpful.

There’s an assumption this book makes about virgins vs. non-virgins. It never explicitly says this, but there’s an implication that sexual brokenness is only brought to marriage by people with a sexual past. The thing virgins bring to marriage seems to be inexperience and perhaps a little shame. For me, this flies in the face of human beings as sinners: we are all sexually broken. The “Good Girl/Bad Girl” trope is tied to this and didn’t work for me. I understand what she was trying to do, but no. It just played into the shame she kept mentioning and never addressed in a meaningful way.

One thing that was hard to read, but important: The role of sex in marriage for men, and the way women typically stand as gatekeepers in the marriage, since we are often the ones with lower libido. (Although, after reading Come As You Are, I would argue that we’re often talking about responsive desire vs. spontaneous desire, which Gregoire sort of beats the bush near but never fully uncovers.)

Gregoire offers exceptions and caveats, but generally suggests that woman need to initiate more and take an active, willing role in making sex a priority in their marriage, even when they aren’t really feeling it. It was good to hear this from a woman’s perspective. Jimmy Evans talks about it in Marriage on the Rock, but his discussion fails in an essential way because he was speaking about it from a man’s point of view and communicated it in a way that felt firm and legalistic, as well as inconsiderate of women and what we bring to the table. You really can’t fake being in the mood, but there are ways to get around it. Gregoire does a MUCH better job of addressing this than Evans.

My least favorite part of the book was the “How Do You Decide What’s Ok?” section. Gregoire does a good job of describing what should NOT characterize sexual acts in your marriage: coercion, shame, discomfort, etc. But then she undoes her hard work. It felt like she was trying not to shock inexperienced, engaged virgins, but in the process, she made everything sound a little… gross.

It went down like this: Gregoire provides a very limited list of behaviors and activities. Everything listed was viewed from one very narrow (traditional, fundamentalist?) perspective that didn’t allow for much wiggle room, or any kind of generous interpretation. At the same time, she was addressing activities that are not explicitly mentioned in the Bible. So she would say something like, “Here’s what the Bible generally says about _____,” then basically shared her personal opinion. I came away from the book feeling like I was weird for not being turned on by the thought of the Chaplain sucking my toes (a behavior that received numerous mentions in the book) and annoyed at the attitude she took towards other activities/ideas. One of her concerns about a particular behavior, for example, was based on bad information (according to Come As You Are, which provided citations linked to scientific research for the assertions the author made). (HA! Now perhaps you are dying to know what? I will only say, you can read both books to find out… or just read Come As You Are).

I tried to figure what exactly about this book rubbed me the wrong way, and it’s this: I felt like the author didn’t “get” me. It was like she wanted to write the book for people who had saved themselves for marriage, and the rest of us? It felt like she was telling us, “Ok, fine, SINNERS, you can read it, too.” She made assumptions about our motives and regrets. There was a judgemental thread running through everything. I recognize that how I received what I read was colored by my expectations and feelings. However, I’ve read other books where I didn’t get the judgement vibe, like when I took my enneagram journey, so I don’t think I’m making this up.

4. Becoming Orgasmic: A Sexual and Personal Growth Program for Women, by Julia R. Heiman, Ph.D., and Joseph LoPiccolo, Ph.D.

I believe this title was mentioned as a resource in Come As You Are, but I can’t recommend it.

The book isn’t without its merits: it outlines a solid plan for women with sexual issues (especially women who are “inhibited:” think strict religious backgrounds. Apparently, when those ladies get married, they have trouble “flipping the switch,” so to speak, and end up with a bunch of hangups that can interfere with pleasure).

The book tackles lots of common problems. It mentioned almost any potential problem you could think of, with resources for more in-depth reading (although since the book was published in 1988, the bibliography is full of even older books).

In order to successfully follow the plan in this book, you need to be comfortable spending a LOT of time on it, both by yourself and with a partner. We’re talking 30 mins-1 hr, several times a week, for a couple of months before you even get your partner involved.

Many of the exercises in the book aim to normalize behavior that may have felt wrong to the reader in the past, such as genital touching (instead of say, traditional PIV sex, i.e. Penis-in-Vagina), along with tips for both partners.

It starts with a lot of written work, which I completed most of. But for the other homework, it felt impossible to me, and I didn’t want to. If I have time for self-care or alone time, I don’t want to spend it trying to get off by myself. Certainly, not several times a week. Even if the exploration might be helpful, I can’t imagine a time when I wouldn’t be anxious that someone was going to walk in, or need me, or scream my name (ironic, yeah?).

Secondly, the book is morally relative – i.e., if fantasizing about someone besides your partner helps you get into the act with your spouse, that’s totally cool with the authors. As a Christian who believes entertaining thoughts about someone else is equivalent to being unfaithful (Matt. 5:28), that doesn’t work for me.

It gets even more dicey in the “Enhancement” chapter, which talks about ways to take things to the next level, so to speak, after the program they prescribe is completed. But for the authors, the “next level,” with a few exceptions, involved a lot of stuff that was either straight up unbiblical, or on the very edge of what seems OK.

The book encourages the use of what it calls “erotic literature” and magazines. Like I mentioned, it’s an old book. I think it’s fair to call these “erotic” pictures porn, and I think it’s also fair to say that thinking on this subject has changed somewhat since the book was written, namely, that mainstream culture is recognizing that pornography isn’t all rainbows and butterflies.  Basically, according to the authors, anything that works to get you aroused is OK.

Another note – This book was written before triggers were a thing. So the authors just dive into content including sexual assault, incest, and abuse without warning, and swing back to it again without warning, which could be really upsetting, depending on your history.

Not all of this book is bad, but a Very Big Part of me was picturing a room full of middle-aged, liberal, bohemian feminists madly typing on old-fashioned typewriters, trying to undo all the work the Church did attempting to raise up another generation who still valued purity and believed in the institution of marriage. You grew up feeling like nothing sexual was OK? Actually, everything sexual is OK! (Please note, I consider myself a feminist, in the sense that women should be treated with dignity and should only shave when they feel like it. My teenage son is threatened by the term “feminist,” and groups me in with the women described above. I’m still hoping he comes around.)

My mom always taught me Everything in Moderation, and I think that is what was missing here. I finished the book out of curiosity and because I’m not a quitter, but with out-dated content, the questionable morality, and the time suck required to follow the prescribed activities, it wasn’t a hit for me.

5. Pursuit of Passion: Discovering True Intimacy in Your Marriage, by Jeff & Glynis Murphy and Randall & Julie Sibert.

Pursuit of Passion is for the same audience as The Good Girl’s Guide, but it came with the nonjudgmental, gentle approach I was looking for. These wise couples understood their audience. They didn’t try to make light of the damage sexual sin causes. They offered real answers and solutions to common issues.

The book presents a Biblical perspective of the role of sex in marriage, and practical advice for both spouses to maximize success and satisfaction. There is basic anatomy information, as well as teaching about gender differences in needs, desires, and experience of sex. One chapter details how to communicate with your spouse about sex. Another offers hope in the face of sexual brokenness. The whole book is characterized by clear, supported information communicated in an accessible way that is encouraging and interesting.

Where The Good Girl’s Guide failed in the “What’s Ok” section, this book’s chapter “Honest Answers to Real Questions About Sex” did a great job of applying Biblical principles to questions about sex. This book relied not only on Biblical knowledge, but also current research to answer questions.

I appreciate the book’s emphasis on the importance of both partners needs being equally considered, the pragmatic but kind tone, and the practical knowledge offered. It doesn’t assume anything about its readers and their beliefs or knowledge, just offers Biblical wisdom and applies it to the marriage relationship. Many of the chapters include lists of tips related to that chapter’s content. Chapters end with thoughtful questions couples can use to generate discussion about what they’re reading.

There were a couple of subjects I wish had been visited a little more thoroughly or at length, but for the most part, topics that were covered were done really well. There is a list of resources at the back of the book for further learning and support, including resources to connect with Christian counselors, including a blog by one of the authors.

Pursuit of Passion is definitely a keeper, and has valuable content for both husbands and wives.

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There is no simple fix for marital stuff. Ever. But I’m glad I read the books. It mitigated my feelings of helplessness, and gave me some new ways of thinking and ideas to try.