The image above is from the Boy’s Body Book, by Kelli Dunham. You’ll find a brief review, as well as a bunch more titles, in Homeschool Sex Ed, Part II, coming next month.

When it comes to sex ed in our house, there are a lot of considerations in play.  First of all, we have a ton of kids and they are all different ages, so I need to have appropriate ways to talk to each one. Second, one of the most important things to me – maybe even more than giving my kids accurate, useful information – is creating a culture in our house where normal things are normal, and we can talk about stuff that we have questions about. And I’m not embarrassed to say that we hope to delay our kids having sex for as long as possible, with the ultimate goal of them making it to their wedding day, although I recognize a lot of that will be up to them.

Having a healthy view of sex and a functional sex life is foundational to having a successful marriage. We know it’s a tool our kids need to have, and we have to figure how to get them started with the information they need, long before they are having sex themselves.

In my experience, Christian books about sex can be too vague, and secular books lack the moral lessons I want to impart, while being too explicit. So my approach has been to use mostly Christian books, especially early on. Where they lack, I add the information that I want my kids to have, while editing on the fly to tone down the judgemental view some books take. Especially among Christians, it seems like there is an artificial hierarchy of sexual sin. It is much more important to me that my kids learn how to Love One Another, since it is God’s Word and the Holy Spirit that ultimately let us know when we’ve screwed up.

In terms of talking to our kids about sex and puberty, some of the key specific issues I want to cover in my house are: consent, options (ex. for periods and hair removal), and what I call “sexy feelings.” I’m just going to give a quick run down of how I’m treating each one.

1. Consent.

This is so, so important to me because it isn’t just about sex, it is about respect for others. For the most part, we should not be putting our own needs above the comfort of another person.

In terms of humor, the rule at our house is, if you’re the only one laughing, it wasn’t funny. Our need to be funny doesn’t come at someone else’s expense.

Put another way, if someone asks you to stop, and it is a reasonable request, stop. For instance, any tickling or touching needs to stop if the other person asks you to. But you can’t make someone stop looking at you. If someone is staring you down, my advice is to leave the area. We can only control ourselves, right?

We have some kind of conversation about consent every day. I need my kids to know they are WORTHY of speaking up for themselves, and that they don’t want to spend time with people who don’t respect them and their autonomy. It is equally important that they respect others in the same way.

2. Options

You might not know from reading even recent literature about puberty, but there are more options for hair removal than razors. I want my kids to know that hair removal is optional, but also that they might get reactions if they decide to keep their hair. And that reactions are more a reflection on the other person than on them.

Skin care? Tons of options. Self care and mood management? Options.

Period management goes beyond tampons and disposable pads. I want the girls to know there are a TON of choices for managing your period flow, and I’m willing to help them find the thing that suits them best. I use a combination of disposable pads, reusable cloth pads, period panties, and a menstrual cup, and I want them to be familiar with all the options so they can pick the combination that works for them.

I didn’t know what an epilator was until just a couple of years ago. My girls will find out about that a lot sooner.

3. “Sexy Feelings”

Folks, this is embarrassing, right? A little bit? If you had a religious upbringing, and maybe even if you didn’t, thinking about feeling sexy when you have a sense you aren’t supposed to just brings a wave of guilt. I am still fighting the guilt, and I’ve been married for over a decade.

I know there is only so much I can do, but I want my kids to know that those kind of feelings are normal, and that while you can’t control when they happen, you can decide what to do with them.

How to do this? Well, keep a cool demeanor about sexual exploration or curiosity. Be willing to talk to them about anything. Bring it up. Give examples. And let them know that there is a really wide range of normal. Help them think about what they can do if they are having thoughts or feelings that feel wrong, with Philippians 4:8 as the gold standard for what is ok.

Another way we talk about sex? By discussing what we hear and see in the media. We talk about unrealistic bodies and how we see people treat one another. When there’s a positive representation, I point it out. We talk about how to choose age appropriate shows to watch (look for characters your age, and check the rating. It is there for a reason). We talk about how inappropriate stuff on the screen can cause you to have those “sexy feelings,” and we need to be careful about what we watch.

Sex Ed is one of those things you wish had an end date, but I’m getting the sense that may only come when my last kid moves out… which means I likely have at least another 17 years of this. Hopefully I’ll just keep getting better at it. In any case, we’ll keep cycling through the material and I’ll be looking for new resources as I go along. With grace, I’ll get it mostly right.

Keep an eye out for Part II, where I’ll share the books we’re reading for Homeschool Sex Ed.