Why is it easier to respond graciously to criticism when the person dispensing it isn’t close to us?

The ones who are most qualified to criticize, and do it with our best interest in mind, aren’t those acquaintances and even strangers who feel the need to make known how they feel about us and the way we choose to live. They are our loved ones, and if it isn’t safe for them to speak up when we’re not doing something right, then it might be time to re-examine priorities.

My husband is a good match for me in a lot of ways, which we have discovered as we’ve gotten to know each other. Since we got married just 60 days after we met, most of that getting-to-know-you phase has happened since we tied the knot.

One of the things he is good at is helping me turn the mirror on myself when I am not at my best, without being judgemental or unkind. He can help me get a glimpse of myself when what I want is a yes man, but what I need is to check myself.

It doesn’t happen too often, but it always stops me short. We certainly have our moments of being uncharitable together and apart, but he seems to know when it’s time to be a little more self aware.

I mentioned I have often found myself responding graciously to people who are unkind or rude, but not out of any maturity on my part. Typically it is shock that dampens my response.

When I am confronted by something my Accountability and Life Partner has put to me, my first response isn’t typically gracious, it’s defensive.

Why do I get so ugly?

Maybe because when strangers or acquaintances criticize me, I know there is less truth in it. They don’t really know me, and they haven’t earned the right to tell me how to be or live.

My partner has that right.

It’s something I want to work on. I don’t want my instinct to be Angry Cat Pose. Or that lizard with the frilled collar. It comes from the deepest part of me. It’s because when he speaks up, it’s coming from a place of love and truth.

Recently, I got a new water bottle after my old one had been leaking for months. It has one word on it: Breathe.

I need that visual reminder, because if there’s one thing I can’t live without, it’s deep breaths. They are what stand between me and my gut reaction to criticism.

There’s a Bible verse that talks about speaking the truth in love (Ephesians 4:15), and I have taken it to heart. We have to speak the truth to our family members, because if we don’t tell them in love, someone else may be telling them later without as much care.

If I have a stinky kid, I need to be the one to gently tell them today needs to be a bath day. If I have a kid with a stinky attitude, it’s my job to remind them to do a little self care – take a time out, go outside, read a book in a quiet corner, until they can adjust.

Kids aren’t the only ones who need those kind of checks. It’s just that the things we need to be checked on as adults can be a little harder to hear than, “Time to take a shower.”

Defensiveness still tends to be my first response, even when – especially when – I hear the truth in what’s being said. With time I hope to get better at it, so that first response can change. Because what’s the sense in defending anything less than my best self?