Years ago, I got my first raincoat as an adult. I was shopping with my mom and it was light blue.

I never really loved it. It felt too heavy when it was warm, and not warm enough for a cold rain. I kept for several years and finally donated it so that I could find one I liked better.

Since then, I have purchased many different parkas and raincoats trying to find the perfect one. A green one with black polka dots. A blue with white polkadots. A pink and greige one with a pretty, multicolored tie on the zipper but sleeves that were just a little too short. A gently used, expensive yellow one from eBay that ended up being worn around the collar and wasn’t waterproof anymore (which was NOT mentioned in the listing). A brown one that folded up into its own pocket. A blue parka. A shiny iridescent raincoat that I overpaid for on a third party website since it was out of stock with the manufacturer, and then ended up not being what I thought it was going to be. A black one on super sale from the Nat Geo website. A cute vintage red parka a blogger featured. And none of those is counting the cool green parka my dad made when he was younger for my mom, which got passed on to me.

Now, let’s talk about the weather where I live.

We have four seasons. Spring? Pretty chilly. And then suddenly it’s summer. Too hot for a raincoat most of the time. Fall. Most of the time too hot or too cold for a rain coat. Winter? Far too cold for a raincoat.

Are you sensing a theme? Do I really need a raincoat?

Why do I keep looking for the perfect one?

What space am I trying to fill in my life? How many people in the world walk through the rain on the way to a job that doesn’t pay enough for them to afford proper housing or food?

I recently read an essay about a woman giving up buying all clothes, jackets, shoes, and jewelry for a year. I already gave up buying jewelry: I never wear it and when I do, my current baby tugs on it or it gets caught on things and drives me crazy. I have slowed way down with the footwear after a bit of binging the past couple of years. Could I do it? Stay strong when I am tempted to buy another thing I don’t need? Better yet, could I donate the money I might have spent?

What does it say about our culture that so many of us could make a decision not to buy any of those items for a year, and the things we already own would prevent us from ever experiencing true want?

A couple of themes from my childhood are hand-me-downs, and spiritual warfare. I find those two things have followed me into adulthood. Now that I can afford to have what I want, my wants have become endless. Our cultural narrative chimes in with the message that we “deserve” nice things.

My spirit is at odds with a flesh that is unquenchable. I’m pretty sure there isn’t a raincoat that can help with that.